SAN FRANCISCO—Two San Francisco Police patrol units responded Monday evening to a 911 call reporting “a choreographed altercation” in Mission Creek Park, where the officers found a group of OpenAI researchers engaged in an acrobatic dance fight with an opposing contingent of researchers from Anthropic.

The OpenAI researchers – sporting matching t-shirts announcing each of them as a “Member of the Jet-nical Staff” – initiated the dance fight after the Anthropic researchers, “came running up on our turf” according to OpenAI Chief Scientist and Dance Captain Jakub Pachocki.

“Mission Bay is OpenAI territory,” said OpenAI Safety Lead and Understudy for the Ensemble Boaz Barak. “These sharks from Anthropic think they have a monopoly on alignment and safety. Well not here! Not in Mission Bay! They better not align on so much as group tickets to a Giants game without our say-so!”

According to the incident report, the officers arrived on the scene just as the rival gangs transitioned from synchronized dancing into a tap break, during which researchers from each frontier AI lab alternated interpretive dance solos to express their loathing of the opposing lab. Following a particularly kinetic, Fosse-inspired performance in which Anthropic Chief Science Officer Jared Kaplan made a meal out of dancing with his hat, the dance-off nearly erupted in stage combat before the researchers were performatively held back by their comms staffers.

As the two gangs traded verbal insults only comprehensible to onlookers who had previously read a 660,000 Harry Potter fanfic about cognitive science and rationalist philosophy, the podcaster, venture capitalist, and erstwhile federal “AI Czar” David Sacks arrived on the scene. Upon seeing him, the Anthropic researchers launched into a completely new musical routine.

“Dear kindly Czar Sacks, you gotta understand,” sang Anthropic security research Nicholas Carlini, “it’s not that we’re bad, we’re just… unsupervised, and… we read all the polls, we know what people think of us, so gee, Czar Sacks, would you please regulate us?

According to video of the incident, Anthropic co-founder and Head of Policy Jack Clark then added, “We’d like a nice statute, a bill with real teeth, something bipartisan, something underneath. The vibes-based approach that’s gotten us this far, gee, Czar Sacks, won’t you regulate us, please, and also them, over there, the Jets, they need it more than we do.”

Reached for comment, OpenAI co-founder and Chief Executive Sam Altman responded simply, “When you’re a Jet, you’re a Jet all the way. From your first microdose to your last loss decay.” He declined to elaborate.